“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
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If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Me irl
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.