Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
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God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.