My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
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Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.