Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
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Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries