*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
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The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
idk what he going thru but i feel him
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!