Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
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My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT