[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
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wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.