My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
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All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it