Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
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the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead