Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
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[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.