Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
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my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
worst…sale…ever
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM