Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
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Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
I’ve been drinking.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it