Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
You Might Also Like
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝