Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
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Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
liiiiiiiiike
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
nobody’s gonna understand
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.