*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
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It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Hitlers gonna hitl
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
i made a craigslist ad !
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.