Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.