Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
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Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
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