Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
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I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
time machine? you mean a clock?
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
This makes total sense…
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’