Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
You Might Also Like
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup