Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
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“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Art by Pastelkatto
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here