If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
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Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
concern
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.