“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
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I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.