my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
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I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Breaking news:
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s