Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
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[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Worst bar ever.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.