“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
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A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
I have two kinds of followers
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”