“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
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My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Sharon, call the vet
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Never let them know your next move 😂
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die