“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
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Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
HERE’S MARKY
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME