You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
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toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…