[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
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A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.