If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
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*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
This is why I hate group projects
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix