My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
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It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
This is my favorite one of these!
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Facebook memories be like
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays