Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
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Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.