Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
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I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.