It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
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“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
How about I get 100% off by already being there
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen