Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
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Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.