Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
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[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”