I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
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The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
live, laugh, laundry.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.