My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
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Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.