in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
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My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying