Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
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Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.