My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
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I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
mood
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.