‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
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This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed