If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
You Might Also Like
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
August 8
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.