[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
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My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
*puts words between two asterisks*
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Sheep
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that