“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
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I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Monday
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]