Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
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At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Me, reading some of your tweets
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”