I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
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A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon