a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
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[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Grow up never but we old may grow we
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody