Message from the dog groomers
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me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat