Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
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Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Don’t touch that.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.